Again, I’m starting all over…
Month ago I had clear plan for the next 4 months. I was going to continue my journey abroad by going to Thailand for internship with Raya Divers until June. After that I would’ve started my summer job.
I also had a plan, that I would decrease amount of my hammer throw training and competitions during summer. Main reason, because in Thailand I wouldn’t have time and place to throw hammer, so it would not be easy to start competition season after 3 months break. And I also wanted to focus on something else just for a while, for one summer. To see if I want to continue throwing, or not.
And as I have had some health issues, I wanted to find out what’s going on.
But now almost everything has changed. And honestly I don’t even know is it really bad, or is it actually good. Because there is also something good, so it is not fully bad.
What’s going on?
That’s reasonable question, and probably there’s many who are waiting for answer.
So here it comes with a background story.
Last week I had left side lower back pain. Everything started unexpectedly after one hammer throw training, or more like between it and one upper body strength training.
I didn’t expect anything bad, as I thought that it is just muscle soreness because of having break from training.
But after couple days, when I started to have cramps on my left hamstring while standing, I was thinking it’s not normal.
I visited my physiotherapist, and told him about this issue. I didn’t have much pain, and my movements were fine, so it was impossible to say what’s wrong. But I had bruise on my lower back, and that was red flag for my physio, as it indicates that something is not right. Especially as I didn’t have any idea how I have bruise.
But with my physio, we decided to just wait if the slight pain is just from muscle soreness, and he told me to come again during next week.
But on Tuesday I had little more pain, and I was thinking that it could be good to visit doctor. I decided to send email to my insurance company corporation company which handles payment agreements to hospitals. I wrote, that for now this is not emergency, so email is fine, and if it turns to be emergency I’ll call. I told, that I might go to hospital tomorrow, or later on that week. –> so I really thought, that it is nothing. That I can go to training next morning, and after that see doctor if I feel so.
Or maybe just see doctor
On Tuesday night I slept just couple hours. At 3 am, I was thinking seriously to call taxi and go to hospital right away. My pain was just terrible.
My hate to painkillers was seen at that night, as I refused myself to take anything to ease my pain. I know, stupid idea.
I went to see doctor right away at morning, as I wanted to get out from there as soon as possible, and go home and study for exams.
I was sent to MRI, and that was just a start of the pain hell what I am still going through.
At the time I was lying in the MRI tube, with huge amount of pain, and cramps on my left leg, I just knew, that something is wrong. –> and when MRI was ready, and nurse told me that I have to wait in waiting room to get more detailed results, my instinct was just getting stronger. Normally it is possible to get back after couple hours to hear results.
First I heard part of the results from the emergency doctor, but he sent me to orthopaedist to hear what to do next.
My final diagnose is herniated disc and annular tear between L4 and L5. To be honest, I am still not sure is it really herniated disc or something similar with it, as my English is not in doctor level so I can’t be sure.
I think during first week I was still in some kind of dream world. Because it took a week for me to understand what’s really going on.
Living in a dream world
So even if I had more pain that I think have ever experienced before, I thought that I can go to next Sunday competitions.
Even if I had to spend two nights in hospital I was thinking like that.
Even if I went to nerve root block injection, I was thinking like that.
Literally, lying on the hospital bed, I was thinking that I can go to competition after a week.
I think it was more like, that I knew I can’t, but I wanted to believe that I can.
This Monday I had check-up visit with my doctor. And I decided to ask, when can I get to training, and what I can do and what I can’t.
Answer hit me hard, very hard. “Oh yes… your hammer throw… Well…”
It can take 9
freaking months to get back. When I was in hospital insurance company doctor called me, and I asked same question from him. He told me that it takes time to heal, but at least for a month I can’t do training. And if I have much pain and it disturbs my normal life, then surgery should be considered.
So 9 months came as surprise. But even if I would like to listen Finnish doctor, I rather actually believe doctor in Singapore. Because he has seen me, and he has just sent some documents to insurance company, but probably not all.
On Monday and Tuesday, I was miserable. I finally realized how serious this is. That I can’t just think “I have one competition, and after that I’ll take a break.” It doesn’t work like that. My tear is not biggest possible now, but if I do training with pain, it will grow. And it will make even more issues.
My first thought was, that I have to get out from Singapore over a weekend. I can’t go to watch competitions, as I would go to compete even if I can’t.
I was so ready to buy a flight tickets away from Singapore, so that I would not need to keep myself away from the field.
I decided to find my inner strength, and instead of escaping trying to face the truth.
So I started to do my physiotherapy program, started to accept, that I have injury which takes time.
I started to think, that I can’t do training, but I can do good with my knowledge of hammer throw. I can go to give instructions to my group mates, to see how they do their own personal records.
I can do good, and that way get my own life back together.
I can’t throw my life away because of this, I can have bad days, and that’s normal. But I can’t decide to give up.
Also when my coach (here in Singapore) sent me message and asked about my situation, I told her truth instead of trying to say that I might go to competition. After that I felt so good, because I knew after telling her I just can’t go to compete.
“Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.” ~ Wise words by Frank Sinatra
I rather think, that this is new beginning, not beginning of the end.
Going day by day, hour by hour. And one day I will be able to go week by week.
After approximately two weeks, I’m going back to home. Back to Finland.
And even if that wasn’t what I first wanted, I have to say, that I can’t wait to get back. To my family and friends, to home.
This have been a real journey of life, which I won’t never forget.
A lot have happened, and at the same time there could’ve happened even more. I wanted to do more training with an awesome Taekwon-Do and throwing group. But unfortunately that wasn’t possible. So I hope, that someday I am able to come back, even for a short holiday, to have training with everyone again.